The NBA All-Star game is right around the corner, and basketball buffs all around the interwebs are nerd-raging about who should and shouldn’t have made the team. First off: who cares, it’s the All-Star game, a game that ranks somewhere between the NFL Pro-Bowl and the WNBA finals in terms of importance. Second: I care, and Steve Nash was robbed!
The system for determining the starting All Stars is flawed at best, allowing the fans to vote for their favorite starters. True, it’s ultimately a game for the fans, but the NBA fails to take into account that their fan base is pretty stupid. Every year, casual fans vote for big-name has-beens that probably shouldn’t even be starting for their own teams, let alone be considered All-Stars. Meanwhile, truly deserving stars like Steve Nash(!) and Lamarcus Aldridge are forced to take a break from the grueling NBA schedule and spend quality time with family and friends, probably riding jet skis. It just isn’t right.
Because I’m a guy that likes to help out, I’ve come up with a simple flow chart that I think all potential voters should be forced to view before being allowed to mark their ballots.
As foolproof as this system is, I failed to submit it to NBA headquarters in a timely manner, so this year’s All-Star game rosters will remain ridiculous amalgamations of players that your girlfriend has heard of because they’ve been in commercials and stuff. I’ve come to terms with this, so instead of writing yet another blog about all of the snubbed players (Steve Nash!), I’ve decided to go in a different direction. Below you’ll find my NBA PILTPITF team. In case you can’t figure it out, that stands for Players-I’d-Like-To-Punch-In-The-Face.*
*I’d never actually punch any of them in the face, because my hands are just too pretty for face-punching. And I’m a coward.
Starter: Deron Williams
There are so many reasons I’d like to punch Deron Williams, it’s hard to pick a place to start. But, in the spirit of internet blogging I’ll skip the actual basketball related stuff and jump straight to being petty. His name…is it Duh-ron or Darren? Is he John Water’s illegitimate child? What look is he trying to achieve with that facial hair? Because to me, it’s a look that says “hey kid, want some candy?” Seriously, I’m almost 100% positive that someday, somewhere, a prosecuting attorney is going to say to a child “show us on the doll where Deron touched you”. And their fancy law degrees won’t be enough for them to figure out if its Darren or Duh-ron either.
Backup: Tony Parker
You know that kid I was just talking about? It might be Tony Parker. I realize he isn’t really a child, but he sure looks like it, and I’m sure Deron’s beard isn’t big on the details. Some people may hate Tony Parker because he’s French, but being somewhat of a sissy myself, I’d be a hypocrite if I judged him by that. Some people may hate him because he married Eva Longoria. That doesn’t bother me either, because I think under that makeup she’s sort of a creepy little troll-lady. Really, my punch-lust for Tony Parker has more to do with his stupid little teardrop shot and his ability to torch the Phoenix Suns. Except in the ’09-’10 playoffs. Yeah, take that Frenchy.
Starter: Manu Ginobili
Let’s keep the ‘Keenan hates the Spurs’ ball rolling and talk about the only guy in the NBA who’s face is more punchworthy than Deron Williams; Manu Ginobili. Just search for him on Google Images and try not to uppercut your monitor, I dare you. Really, I don’t even have to write anything, because anyone outside of San Antonio who’s ever seen Manu Ginobili play WANTS TO PUNCH HIS STUPID FACE. Ginobili plays basketball like he’s the exact opposite of a Weeble Wobble. Seriously, this guy falls down more than that old lady in the Life Alert commercials. I heard that Manu and Anderson Varejao once had a contest to see who could stand on two feet the longest, and they both lost. I can only think of two possible reasons for his chronic flopping…either he thinks he’s playing soccer, or he’s haunted by two really dickish ghosts that like to do that move where one guy gets on all fours behind you and the other guy pushes you over. Also, he once wore a maxi-pad on his face.
Backup: Jason Terry
I should really like Jason Terry, but I don’t. He was born in Seattle (I live in WA) and he played college ball for the University of Arizona* (I grew up in AZ). However, Jason Terry’s socks are just too absurd for me to feel anything than a steadily rising urge to punch. What are you hiding under there Jason? How hideously deformed must his calves be that he feels he has to hide them from the world? Did he get really drunk one night and get swastika tattoos on his shins? Perhaps he has super high-tech bionic lower legs that would obviously be a violation of league standards, so he hides them under special bionic leg covering socks…from the future. Or maybe he’s just sort of pretentious. Either way, he seems like sort of a D-Bag. I have a personal message to Mr. Terry, and it’s this: no matter how many game winning shots you’ve made, none of them have won you an NBA championship. Ever. No matter how hard you pretend that they did. Just thought you should know that.
*U of A is superior to ASU in every possible way. To deny that is just silly.
Check back tomorrow, or whenever I decide to write about forwards and centers, for the thrilling conclusion!