My Own Private NBA All-Star Team (that I want to punch in the face) Part 2: With a Vengeance

Last week, I posted the first half of my NBA PILTPITF team and it was a resounding success, with over 1 person liking it enough to comment on it.  I can only assume then, that NBA fans around the world are waiting breathlessly for part 2.  So without any further delay, here are 2 centers, 2 power forwards, and 2 small forwards that I would like to punch in the face.

Ok, one small delay.  I’m going to alter my list a little bit, because there really aren’t enough true centers around for me to pick 2 to punch.  Yao Ming may have bones that are about as sturdy as my self-esteem, but he’s way too Asian for me to hate.  Dwight Howard might not play up to his potential, but even his sub-potential self is a beast, and I’m not about to go around punching beasts.  I’m pretty sure that’s what got Michael Vick into so much trouble.

What the NBA does have is a plethora of forwards power and small.  And I hate a lot of them.  So I’m going to give you an extra 1 of each, to keep my team within regulations.  If you don’t like it, I counter with this:  I’m a Suns fan – a team without a center is all I’ve ever really known.

Small Forwards

Starter: Lebron James

I considered leaving Lebron off of this list, simply because saying you hate Lebron is like saying The Black Eyed Peas Superbowl halftime show was the worst thing you’ve ever seen – its almost too easy.  But, at the end of the day, I have to do my job as an objective journalist and report the facts.  And the fact is Lebron James needs to be punched in the mouth.  Not because of what he did to Cleveland (seriously, get over it, your city is awful and Dan Gilbert is a moron).  Not because he wins championship after championship (hahahaha…2010 Conference Semis…hahahaha…game 5…hahahahaha).  Not even because I truly believe that he faked his birth certificate and is actually pushing 50.  No, the reason I’d love to punch Lebron is that every time he opens his mouth he says something so ridiculously stupid that it can only be topped in stupidity by whatever stupid thing he’s going to say the next time he opens his mouth.  I know that sentence is a lot to digest.  I’ll try to clear it up picture-style.


This is a slight exaggeration.  He knows damn well who Hannah Montana is.

Mad photoshop skillz.

We good?  Ok, lets continue.

Listing all of the dumbass things James has said is far too much for a single paragraph, perhaps even for an entire blog post.  So I’ll take the lazy route, and give you a small sampling via links.  Click this, rage a bit, then click this and shake your head in bewilderment.  Watch this, and wonder how he survived to adulthood being such an idiot.  And finally, my personal favorite, read this (paragraph 4) and witness what should be a kindhearted gesture turned into an ego trip only Oprah Winfrey could approve of.  Really, I think he should hire me to punch him in the mouth every time he’s about to open it.  I’d save him a lot of trouble.  Lebron, call me, let’s make this happen.

Backup: Hedo Turkoglu

Say you’re like me, and you spend your days wondering how exactly you’d go about punching someone like Hedo ‘why the hell did the Suns ever trade for this guy’ Turkoglu.  Sure, he may be a cancer to any team not named The Magic, but he’s still an ‘athlete’ and you’re probably like me, a bit ‘out of shape’.  If he saw us coming, fist clenched, ready to strike, he’d run, and we wouldn’t be able to catch him, right?  Well, sort of.  The secret to punching Hedo is catching him when he isn’t holding a basketball, because science has proven that he cannot move without one.  I have a theory; any time Hedo spends off of the court, basketball-less, he’s actually puppeteered* by two or more members of the Turkish mafia, Weekend at Bernie’s style.  So ladies, next time you’re in an Orlando nightclub and a slightly Down’s Syndromish Turkish man faking a stomach virus asks if he can ‘please to make sex with your mouth hole’ know that there are going to be strings attached.  Get it?


Stop laughing, Dwight. He's stuck like that. It's a very serious condition.

*spell-check tells me that puppeteered isn’t a real word…well played, spell-check. I counter with syndromish.  Your move…

Benchwarmer: Luke Walton

I imagine punching Luke Walton would be sort of  like the time I was in Canada with my friends and we paid a bum $1 (American!) to do 10 one-armed pushups.  I felt bad about it, but strangely satisfied at the same time.  To put it in perspective, last season Luke Walton was probably the most irrelevant player on a team that had Adam Morrison on its roster.  He’d probably love getting a punch to the face, just so he could tell his girlfriend(?) that he took an elbow from someone far more famous while trying to get a rebound.  Of course his girlfriend(?) would know he was lying, because Luke Walton has never tried to grab a rebound, ever.  Poor, poor Luke Walton.  Even I feel sorry for him, and I’m a guy that can barely afford my monthly WoW subscription. I bet he cries a lot.  Just ‘cuz.

Why then, would a guy who deserves nothing but pity, warrant a punch to the face?  I think The Bible calls it sins of the father or something like that.  Basically, his dad, Bill Walton, is such an incredible tool that Luke deserves to be punished too.  I don’t really understand it, but I’m not one to question The Bible.

I don't think The Bible looks to highly on this either.

Power Forwards

Starter: Kevin Garnett

If I were ever to punch KG in the face, it would almost certainly be in self-defense.  I don’t think Garnett has ever met anyone smaller and more European than he is that he hasn’t pushed over, belittled, tripped, punched, spit on, run over, scratched, put a cigarette out on, given a wedgie to, stolen lunch money from, or some combination thereof.

But let’s take a step back.  Remember when KG played for the Timberwolves and everyone was like ‘wow, that guy is so good and he plays with such intensity even though his team is just god-awful…poor KG’.  Or maybe that was just me.  I used to really admire this guy’s game.  Even when he used to play a little bit dirty, I could look past it because I figured he was either frustrated or just doing whatever it took to win.  And the T-Wolves needed to do ANYTHING IT TOOK to win.  I’d imagine what it would be like if Garnett was on a good team, how amazing it could be to watch a player of his caliber surrounded by the talent he deserved.

Flash forward to the present.  Garnett, of course, is on the Celtics now, surrounded by that previously mentioned talent, a perennial championship contender.  So he’s toned down the dirty play, and doesn’t bully his way through a game anymore, right?  Ummmm…

I challenge anyone not from Boston to watch KG play now and not think ‘yeah, f**k that guy’.  Really, someone needs to tell him that he’s on a good team now, he can stop punching people in the dick. The whole intensity shtick is wearing thin – it just doesn’t work unless your team sucks.  Please KG, as a former fan, I beg you, just stop.  Finish off your career with some dignity; go down in NBA history as an incredibly skilled big man, one of the all time greats.  Or play out the rest of your days breaking ankles and mocking cancer patients.  Either way.

I'm not afraid of you, KG. Ok, maybe a little.


Backup: Lamar Odom

Odom is probably the most recent edition to my lineup and it’s hard for me to put a finger on exactly why I can’t stand him.  His famous inconsistency would be frustrating if I were a Lakers fan, but as a Suns fan I’m sort of enamored with it.  His love for candy is the kind of thing that makes me giggle more than rage.  He seems like a nice enough guy, easy going, if not too bright.  He has gentle eyes, the kind of eyes that a guy who’s into that sort of thing could get lost in.  Then why do I want to punch him in the face?  What could it be?  What…could…it…be…?  Oh, right.

On second thought, I don’t want to punch Lamar Odom.  I don’t think I’d be able to wash all the ‘ewwwww’ off of my punching hand.

Benchwarmer: Glen “Big Baby” Davis

Here are some reasons to mock Big Baby Davis:

1.       His nickname is stupid.

2.       He’s 6’9” and he can’t dunk.

3.       One time he cried because Kevin Garnett was such a big meany.

Now here’s the reason to punch Big Baby Davis:


Photographer to photo-shoot crew: "Shhh, no seriously, shut up, stop laughing...I think he's actually going to do it. Stop laughing, you'll ruin it!"

Coach: Phil Jackson

Of course, a team full of D-Bags is gonna need a D-Bag coach.  This one could have gone many different ways (I’m looking at you, Popovich).  But, in the end, you just don’t get any douchier than the ‘Zen Master’.

Now, there are two schools of thought on Jackson.  Either he’s the greatest coaching mind in the history of ever, or he’s always been handed teams with so much talent that any season that doesn’t result in a championship should really be viewed as a colossal failure.  Guess which camp I’ve set up my tent in.  Send him to the post-Lebron Cavs and watch them not win championships for the next several decades, then tell me Phil Jackson is a genius.  I dare you.

Phil knows this is all in fun. But seriously, I can't stand him.

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