Tiki Barber Needs To Get PAID

I’m not going to lie; it hasn’t been easy being a NY Giants fan lately.  Last year my beloved Big Blue went 10-6 and missed the playoffs.  I’ve watched my team’s ultra-talented defense become a bipolar shell of itself, recording 9 sacks in a half one week and allowing 45 points in another.  Even worse, Hakeem Nicks’ injuries late in the season totally tanked my fantasy team’s playoff hopes (ok, my fantasy team’s playoff hopes pretty much ended when I picked Ryan Matthews in the draft, but still…).

Even so, I can deal with that kind of thing.  I can’t expect my team to pull off miracle Super Bowl wins every year.  And it could be a lot worse; I could be a Cardinals fan (zing!).  But there’s one thing I can’t accept – the sad falls from grace of some of the franchise’s greats.

You're pushing it, Eli.

A few examples:

  • Lawrence Taylor – Greatest linebacker and Joe Theismann leg breaker of all time (OF ALL TIME).  Apparently enjoys doing mountains of coke, beating up underage prostitutes, and dancing with stars.  I can’t decide which one of those things is the most pathetic.
  • Plaxico Burress – Touchdown catching machine and an integral part of the Super Bowl XLII team.  Wears sweatpants in public, even when he’s not going to Wal Mart.  Oh yeah, and he went to prison for rape, murder, animal cruelty, drugs, attempted vehicular manslaughter, shooting himself in the leg.  Sigh.
  • Phil Simms – Super Bowl XXI winner and MVP. Now achieves new levels of broadcasting suck with every week he’s allowed in the booth.  Also challenged Desmond Howard to fisticuffs.  Wait, what?
  • Michael Strahan – Single-season sack record holder, 2001 NFL Defensive Player of the Year, anchor of the Super Bowl XLII Giant’s defense.  Stubborn refusal to fix his stupid teeth.  Subway enthusiast (I’m looking at you too, Justin Tuck).  Forced to pretend he likes Terry Bradshaw.

I know, I know, poor me.  Nobody should have to endure this humiliation.  Except for maybe Steelers fans, because I’m pretty sure that being a Steelers fan is the moral equivalent of stealing stuff from old people while also bludgeoning their kittens.  Seriously, Steelers fans, stop being such douches.

I only bring all of this up because of the recent news that yet another former Giants standout has decided that he wasn’t enough of an embarrassment to the franchise.  Tiki Barber, the Giants’ all time leading rusher and everyone’s favorite teammate, is coming out of retirement.  Ugh.

Why would a guy that retired at the top of his game like Barry Sanders come back, only to risk failing over and over and over again like Brett Favre?  Does Tiki still have an undying passion for the game?  Are his 74-year-old legs still in NFL game shape?  Does he have unfinished business, having never won a Super Bowl?  Does he have more middle fingers to thrust  in the general direction of Giants fans?

Nope.  He’s coming back because he’s kind of a scumbag and he’s broke. I guess you can’t blame a guy for needing money to pay off his divorce settlement because he left his pregnant wife for a 23 year old.  Or maybe you can.  Yeah, you definitely can blame him for that. My mistake.

Wait, that's the 23 year old? I may have to rethink this one.

It’s no secret, I’m not a huge Tiki fan anymore. Even before this comeback nonsense his ranking on my respect-o-meter rated somewhere between Lebron James and anyone involved with Twilight. But I’m going to take the high road here and offer him my assistance.  There’s a good chance that there won’t be an NFL season for him to come back to and even if there is he might find out that he’s become a mere Haynseworth of his former self.  So I’ve come up with some alternative careers for him, just in case.  Or maybe I just feel like making fun of him.  You be the judge.

First, I should mention some career paths that Tiki should never set foot on.  Obviously he’s dangerously under-qualified to be a chainsaw juggler, baby holder, or egg deliveryman.  Corporate Morale Builder is also probably out of the question.  And he certainly couldn’t be a frontstabber.  That’s probably not a real profession, but I couldn’t figure out a good way to work backstabbing into something witty, so it is what it is.  Anyway, that leaves us with the following:

Sitcom Star

This one is a no-brainer.  Tiki has a twin brother named Ronde, and as far as I know twins are legally obligated to be given their own television shows. I’ve already written the pilot, and it goes something like this:

Scene: The Barber household.  Tiki and Ronde are watching old home movies.In one of the movies, their mother (played by Tyler Perry) reveals that when they were babies, she may have accidently confused Tiki with Ronde and Ronde with Tiki.

Tiki: So, I might really be Ronde?

Ronde: And I might really be Tiki?

Tiki and Ronde:  Mooooooom!

(laughtrack)

Hilarity ensues.

I refuse to photoshop Ashley Tisdale out of a picture.

Ok, so that’s just a rip-off of an episode of ‘Suite Life of Zack and Cody’ that my kids were watching the other day.  But it could still work.  If Ronde isn’t available to play the part of Ronde, then I’m sure Shaun Alexander is available.

Tiki: The Magazine

I’ll let the cover do the talking.

I wonder how many times he fumbled while posing for that picture.

Children’s Book Author

Hey, kids don’t know what a jerk Tiki is (yet), so this could be a lucrative gig.  Plus, children’s books practically write themselves.  I mean, have you ever actually read Goodnight Moon?  C’mon.  This could be a great PR move for Plax once he’s out of prison as well, so I’m thinking this should be a collaborative effort.  And while we’re talking collaboration, maybe Plax should team up with a nice pair of slacks.

Not included in this book: D'Brickashaw Ferguson. That guy's name will punch you in the face and make you watch while it makes out with your girlfriend.

Banana Stand

No real joke here, I just haven’t worked Arrested Development into a blog post yet.  And as any fan of AD knows, there’s ALWAYS money in the banana stand.

After years of speculation, Tiki confirms that he is indeed white on the inside.

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