TV Power Rankings – Week of 3/13/11

This lockout stuff is pretty depressing. Football is the greatest sport in the history of sports and we are at risk of not having a season next year. All because the owners think screwing football fans out of their money isn’t enough and have decided to move on to the players. So in memory of the NFL, this week’s TV Power Rankings will be football themed.

1. Parks and Recreation – Harvest Festival (PW: NR)

NBC – Thursday @ 9:30pm

Eagle-Eyed Tiger is a pretty good band name but I preferred Scarecrow Boat. This was a great episode. So great in fact, I “awesome-sauced” it. I realize that sounds terrible out of context, but allow me to explain: April and Andy have been seeing each other and when April told Andy that she loved him for the first time, his response was “Dude, shut up! That is awesome sauce!” It then because a running joke that instead of saying love, you say awesome sauce. Hmm. Jokes aren’t quite as funny when you have to explain them. Anyway, Parks and Recreation is great week after week, much like the New Orleans Saints. The cast of Parks and Recreation is fantastic and they work really well together, the only difference is that I can’t see Parks and Recreation losing to the Seahawks.

“There are two things I know about white people: they love Matchbox 20 and they are terrified of curses.”

2. Archer – Stage Two (PW: 2)

FX – Thursday @ 10pm

Cancer is not funny. Except when Archer gets it. And it’s breast cancer. Actually, while it was a typically funny Archer episode, it was a bit darker considering Archer does have breast cancer. Okay, it was a very dark episode. Still, it somehow managed to be hilarious as always. Archer is the New York Jets of television. Can you honestly not see Mark Sanchez having a baby with a call girl, it turning out to not be his, yet he still acts like it is? Then, to top it off, he finds out he has breast cancer. Sounds like classic Mark Sanchez to me. The Jets are obnoxious just like Archer and I’m sure one of the Archer characters has a foot fetish too, maybe Cheryl? Definitely Cheryl.

“Ugh, a rainy day and a Monday. Talk about a downer double whammy.”

3. Justified – Blaze of Glory (PW: 1)

FX – Wednesday @ 10pm

Everyone loves a good bank robbery. Or two. No Bennetts, almost no Boyd, but this episode was still amazing. Right down to the slowest foot chase I’ve ever seen. That’s how solid this show is, it can’t seem to do anything wrong. Justified has a strong resemblance to the Indianapolis Colts. I can see Peyton Manning throwing on a cowboy hat and working as a U.S. Marshall in some hick town in Kentucky. Timothy Olyphant does it better though. The Colts are pretty predictable but always find a way to look good. They’re carried by one guy, Peyton Manning, and he singlehandedly leads them to the playoffs every year. It’s difficult to picture them with anyone else running the team. Olyphant is the Manning of Justified, which would make Walton Goggins Dwight Freeney.

"The one who kicked me in the face...if you get the chance, shoot him in the nuts.”

4. Community – Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy (PW: NR)

NBC – Thursday @ 8pm

The best comparison I can come up with for Community is the New England Patriots. This is hard for me to admit because I don’t like the Patriots and I think it has become pretty clear that Community is one of my favorite shows. Patriots fans expect them to win the Super Bowl every year, anything less would be a disappointment. As a fan of Community, I expect it to be the best show every week, but this week I was a little disappointed. After watching the episode, I’m sure I felt like Patriots fans did after the season when Tom Brady got hurt in the first week. Matt Cassel had to step in and led the Patriots to the verge of making the playoffs, bringing them just short of having a great season. Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy was just short of a great episode. By Community standards, that’s a bit of a let down. Plus, Joel McHale reminds me of Tom Brady.

“In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?”

5. Californication – The Trial (PW: 4)

Showtime – Sunday @ 9pm

Court. Even Hank is nervous. In the opening scene, he seems his usual cocky self when talking to Karen. However, we see he’s not quite as confident as he acts when he steps back into the bathroom and loses his breakfast. Which is understandable. He is on the verge of losing everything he has. Not that he has much to lose at this point. I enjoy this show but always come away thinking that it could have been better. Thinking that next week’s episode will take the show to the next level. It just never gets there. If Californication were a football team, it would be the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals have talent just like Californication but can’t seem to put it all together. Like Ochocinco (or Johnson, or whatever his name is this week), Hank makes you want to tune in to see what crazy thing he’s going to do or say this week. Unlike Ochocinco, I’m still a fan of Hank.

“The only thing I’m guilty of is poor judgement.”

6. 30 Rock – Queen of Jordan (PW: NR)

NBC – Thursday @ 10pm

At first I was skeptical of 30 Rock trying to pull off the reality show style but I should know not to doubt Tina Fey. Except in Date Night because that movie was pretty awful. 30 Rock is doing a good job of writing around Tracy Morgan’s character as he had a kidney transplant during filming and had to miss a few episodes. But even without their star, they’re managing to keep the show going at the high level everyone expects. Because of this, and I hate to do it, 30 Rock is like the Pittsburgh Steelers. I suppose that would make Tracy Jordan the Ben Roethlisberger of 30 Rock. I’ll spare you the Big Ben jokes. Although if you’re left with the option of having Ben Roethlisberger or Tracey Jordan watching your kids, don’t even hesitate. Pick Tracey. As much as I love the other Thursday night comedies, I have to admit 30 Rock is just as good. Just like I hate to admit the Steelers are a decent team. No one really likes James Harrison though, right?

“I need to look good for my party and I refuse to wear anything my size or appropriate for my age.”

7. The Amazing Race – This is the Most Stupid Day Ever (PW: 3)

CBS – Sunday @ 8pm

To be continued? Isn’t every episode of this show “to be continued?” Despite the ending, this was a good episode. I have to say that I’m impressed with Kent and Vyxsin. Well not so much Vyxsin. From all that I’ve seen of this show, the couples almost always fight and argue about the smallest things and those teams find a way to lose every time. Kent and Vyxsin aren’t one of those teams. Until this episode, it was clear that Vyxsin wore the pants in that relationship, but in this episode, she wasn’t wearing any pants. By that I mean she was breaking down like Brett Favre in any meaningful game in the past few years. She choked. But Kent stayed strong and didn’t blow up on her like so many teammates would have and that’s why they’re still in this race. If they weren’t chasing Zev and Justin for the last non-elimination spot, I would be pulling for them. The Amazing Race is picking up. It’s like the San Diego Chargers, they start slow but gain speed after a few weeks and finish strong. It’s still early, but it looks like The Amazing Race is going to finish strong.

“The Amazing Race is about tragedies, but it's also about miracles.”

8. Jersey Shore – A House Divided (PW: 5)

MTV – Thursday @ 10pm

Let me get straight to the point. The Jersey Shore is like the Arizona Cardinals. Even when it’s terrible, you still want to watch because there is something enjoyable in watching a train wreck. The whole Sammi and Ronnie situation is ridiculous. What’s worse is that I can’t say situation without thinking of The Situation. I know I’ve complained about Sammi and Ronnie in the past and I should probably just stop watching. It’s just too hard to look away, no matter how awkward it is. Like the Derek Anderson meltdown!

“Let's be real. You didn't come here for pastries and like, coffee, you came here to do sex with Pauly and Vinny. You embarrassed yourself.”

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