Everyone wants to talk about where Peyton Manning will sign. He says that he wants to keep playing, but I don’t buy it. If he wanted to keep playing, he would have signed by now. Peyton is just struggling with not knowing what to do after football. And he has to do something. Sure, he’s got a lot of money, but that will only last so long when you tip like this. Brett Favre struggled with the whole retirement thing too. He knew that he was no longer a useful quarterback so he decided to make plans to leave his wife and move on to someone within the Jets organization so that he would still have that connection to football. So maybe sending a picture of his penis wasn’t the best idea, but how can you blame him? The man was desperate and football is all he has ever known. His plan didn’t work out and he was stuck playing football past his prime. In order to save Peyton from a similar fate, I have come up with five perfectly reasonable jobs for him that would keep him around the NFL, just not as a starting quarterback. Also included: terribly photoshopped photos of Peyton working his new jobs.
1. Randy Moss’ Drug Dealer
Randy Moss is employed again! He’ll be spending next season in San Francisco, which isn’t where he is currently living. Which means he’ll need to find a new drug dealer when he gets there. Because we all know how much Randy Moss enjoys his marijuana. So Peyton needs to move quickly on this one. Once Moss is in San Francisco, every drug dealer will be knocking at his door. Note to Peyton: I understand that you have no experience selling drugs, just watch every episode of The Wire and you’ll be good to go. Tell Moss you’ve got his WMD’s right here.
2. Denver Broncos Drug Test Taker
It looks like it was probably the specimen collector who was at fault, but when you have three players fail a drug test, something is wrong. Peyton is a good guy, so the Broncos shouldn’t risk any more players failing drug tests. They can bring Peyton in and just have him pee in all the cups they need him to. Plus, Denver just flew Peyton out for a visit, so this is a win for both sides. The Broncos get to have Peyton around the team and Peyton gets a job in the NFL. No one loses.
3. Defensive Coordinator for the Saints
Now that Gregg Williams has moved on from New Orleans, the Saints are in need of someone new to run their defense. Look no further than Peyton Manning. I know you’re saying, “But Peyton spent his whole career playing quarterback, what does he know about defense?” Well, a lot. He had no problem picking defenses apart, so putting one together shouldn’t be any problem for him. Plus, Peyton made a lot of money in his career. Which is important because whoever takes the on the role of defensive coordinator with the Saints will need to have deep pockets to continue funding their bounty program.
4. New Jets GM
Clearly, having a teenage girl running your team isn’t the best idea if you want to win a Super Bowl. I don’t know if a teenage girl is the current GM for the Jets, but I’m just going to continue assuming that because that’s the only logical explanation for giving Mark Sanchez a contract extension. Really? The Jets think Sanchez is worth $13.5 million for three years? Wait, what? Oh, he’s getting $13.5 per year.
5. Eli Manning’s Backup
Let’s be honest, this is the only way Peyton is winning another Super Bowl.