Dear Mr. Zduriencik:
I see that Miguel Olivo is consistently starting for the Seattle Mariners, even though there is no logical reason he should even be on the team. Since Olivo can neither hit nor catch, I can only assume that he brings something unique to the locker room. I am very interested in this position with the Mariners, and believe that my experience makes me more than qualified.
Throughout my elementary and middle school careers, I played little league baseball almost every year. I was a terrible hitter and wasn’t any better in the field. Basically, I was the Miguel Olivo of little league. Actually, I was so bad that I didn’t even want to play. I preferred to sit on the bench and just eat sunflower seeds. With Olivo, I’m sure you feel the need to start him because you’re paying him a lot of money. You can pay me a fraction of his salary and I promise to never complain about my lack of playing time. In fact, I’ll only complain if you do play me.
As previously stated, I assume that Olivo brings a unique skill to the locker room. I assume that his teammates find him to be a very personable and funny guy. He’s probably pretty good at coming up with handshakes and tells a lot of really good jokes. As you will learn from my imminent interview, I have a few pretty unique handshakes of my own. My favorite being the “Floppy Salmon.” You and my future teammates will not be disappointed. Also, I have a wonderful self-deprecating sense of humor. While in little league, I once peed my pants while waiting in the on deck circle. I had no choice but to step up to the plate with an awkward yellow stain on my pant leg. While my little league teammates found this disgusting, I sense that my major league teammates will have a more sophisticated sense of humor and find events like this hilarious.
I look forward to talking with you regarding this position on the Seattle Mariners. Within the next week I will contact you to confirm that you received my email and resume. I am available to begin my employment as soon as possible.
Thank you for your consideration.