Welcome to the first ever Outside is Overrated Mailbag. I’ve always wanted to do a mailbag because responding to other people’s questions is a lot easier than coming up with my own material. Unfortunately, none of you ever email me, so I’m forced to answer real questions from fake readers. Oh yeah, my friend Keenan is going to be helping out too. You might remember him from the three posts he wrote over a year ago.
Q: Keenan, where have you been? We’ve missed your quick wit and deftly written prose. – Everyone
Keenan: I was attempting to pull off a Salinger and retire at the top of my game; write something mind-blowing and then fade into night, never to be heard from again. Or, in sports terms, more Barry Sanders than Emmitt Smith. What I failed to take into account was that this blog doesn’t quite generate the same income as 65 million copies of Catcher In the Rye, so I’m back.*
*I wanted to link to Lonely Island’s “We’re Back” but Joel wouldn’t let me because his grandma reads this.
Q: Tim Lincecum is killing my fantasy baseball team and I’m freaking out! – Jim
Joel: Dude, just chill. And that’s not a question, man. But sure, his fastball isn’t as smoking as it once was, and Lincecum is taking more hits than you’d like, but it’s Tim Lincecum. We’ve seen this before. While his fastball is iffy this year, he’s still had some batters looking dazed and confused with his changeup. If you’ve got him in fantasy, don’t think you can sell high. Just ride this one out. Head to Taco Bell at 2am and just relax, you might even run into him there.
Keenan: I think Joel used up all the good stoner references, so I’ll give you a half-baked photoshop instead. And no, I’m not proud of that joke.
Q: Am I a genius for picking up Jose Altuve for $1 as the 254th pick of my fantasy draft? – Ned
Keenan: Absolutely. Probably ruggedly handsome as well. Funny story: I created a pitcher in my own likeness on MLB 12 The Show, and the first time I faced Altuve I hit him in the knee with a 101 mph fastball. I guess that isn’t really very funny. The point is, fantasy owners should probably have an open spot on the DL anytime Altuve faces the Rays and a 19 year old redheaded pitcher with black thick rimmed glasses and a well groomed beard.
Q: Justin Smoak hit a three-run home run right after you broke up with him, how does that make you feel? – Brian
Joel: Shut up.
Q: No really, are you falling back in love with Smoak after that performance? – Brian
Joel: I’m trying to resist. He’s just trying to make me jealous. Wait, you can’t respond to my answers, this is supposed to be a mailbag.
Q: Still, you have to love the timing. – Brian
Joel: Justin, I miss you.
Keenan: Don’t do it, Joel. This is the baseball equivalent of Smoak sleeping with your best friend just to make you jealous. Not that I would know anything about that. I totally haven’t slept with many of your ex-girlfriends.
Q: Justin Verlander. – Bryce
If you have any questions, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please.