Thanks to all those who read last week’s mailbag and emailed in their own questions – all zero of you. Since you, and yes I mean you, have no questions for us, we are forced to actually be somewhat creative. Once again, these are all real questions from fake readers.
Q: Why did the Tigers designate Brad Eldred for assignment? He was hitting pretty well in Triple-A. – Howie D.
Joel: He was hitting really well in Triple-A. But when he got called up, the Tigers saw the faces he made while batting and realized those numbers were all luck. Eldred looks totally confused up there. Nine games of that face was plenty.
Q: Should I trade Jered Weaver? I mean, he’ll never be worth more than he is right now…right? – AJ M.
Keenan: What? Sorry, I spaced out for a minute there looking at a picture of him without a hat on. I always assumed he had a mullet for some reason.
No, don’t trade Weaver. Grab onto his golden locks and never ever, ever let go. At least not until after next week. He’s facing the Twins again, who you might remember from such games as “We Got No-Hit by Jered Weaver: Part 1.” It’s not impossible to think that we’re in for a sequel.
Also, never mind what Joel is about to tell you.
Joel: You should definitely sell high. Weaver is notorious for slowing down in the second half.
Q: Did you see Brandon Allen showing off his gymnast skills in left field? – Brian L.
Joel: I gave him a 9. Pretty impressive work.
Keenan: A 9? What is this, Dancing with the Stars? That’s a 7.5 at best.
Q: What’s up with Edwin Encarnacion and Bryan LaHair? Will they keep this up? – Nick C.
Joel: Absolutely. I expect LaHair to finish the year hitting around .400 with 45 home runs and saving a million kittens from a burning building. You realize how ridiculous that question was, right? Of course they won’t keep it up. But maybe they’re better than we thought. Especially Encarnacion. I’m not convinced that he didn’t pull a Space Jam and steal Jose Bautista’s talent.
Q: What is Alex Gordon so happy about? Doesn’t he realize he’s on the Royals? – Kevin R.
Keenan: Great question. I’ve never seen the guy without a smile on his face, and I can only think of a few possible explanations. One – he’s fulfilled his boyhood dream of becoming a major league baseball star and is perfectly content with his life. Two – his baseball career is all part of a needlessly convoluted plot to kill the Batman. Three – if you ever met Alex Gordon and he wasn’t smiling, you would probably die wondering where your shrieking ended and his began.
Q: Ryan Braun alone did better than my whole fantasy team last Monday. – Caleb (a real comment from a real person)
Joel: Yes. Ryan Braun is our Stud of the Week. Hitting three home runs in one game at Petco Park is no easy feat. Even for someone on steroids.*
If you have any questions, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please.