It’s Monday and we’re posting a mailbag. The last two mailbags came on Fridays. There are two reasons this mailbag is late. First, I like alliterations. Second, we are lazy. But consider this a permanent move because I do like the sound of “Mailbag Mondays.” It rolls nicely off the tongue. Let’s save Friday for stir-fry. Is this enough of an intro? Let’s just move on to the questions. As always, these are real questions from fake readers.
Q: Hey Keenan, thanks for the advice on Weaver. Jerk. – Lance B.
Keenan: Keep calm and Weaver on. He’ll be fine. I do have a theory, though. There have been 2 no-hitters (one a perfect game) this year, by Philip Humber and Jered Weaver respectively. Both followed their pitching masterpieces by doing the Top 10 List on Letterman (I know Weaver had one start in between his no-no and Letterman, but roll with me here). Both pitchers were absolutely destroyed in the next game. I’m calling it right now, there’s a Letterman curse. Other than Paul Shaffer.
Joel: Should have sold high. But if you need another pitcher, check out Scott Diamond…
Q: Have you seen the headlines for the game recaps on MLB.com? – Joey F.
Joel: I noticed them this weekend and reading them has quickly become my favorite way to end the night. They are typically terrible and riddled with puns. In other words, my kind of humor. My favorite from the weekend came after Bud Norris shutout the Pirates. The headline? “This Bud’s for Hou: Norris blanks Bucs.” So forced, but so amazing.
Q: Joel, how are you so good looking? Where do you do your shopping? – Michael G.
Joel: I swear I didn’t make up this question. Thank you for your compliment Michael and in response to your first question, I’d say you would have to ask my mom. I got my good looks from her.* As for your second question, the clothes store.
*Hopefully that compliment makes up for not sending a card on Mother’s Day.
Keenan: Since this question wasn’t directed at me, I’m left to assume that Michael doesn’t think I’m attractive or a snappy dresser. And now I’m sad. Ugly, poorly dressed, and sad. Like Paul Shaffer.
Q: Matt Moore. What’s the deal? – Justin T.
Joel: Don’t get me started on Ma… oh it’s too late, you got me started. Matt Moore was supposed to be better than this. I know he’s a rookie, but I was expecting more “Steven Strasburg rookie season” than “just average pitcher rookie season.” His best game was a five inning, seven-strikeout performance against the Mariners where he still managed to give up a run on seven hits. Which really isn’t impressive considering Francisco Lirano could shutout the Mariners and he’s Francisco Lirano. The only thing that has impressed me about Matt Moore this year is his ability to scratch his chin with his tongue.
Keenan: Joel, how much did you pay for him in the draft again? Am I even allowed to ask questions in the mailbag?
Q. Is Josh Hamilton human? – Chris K.
Keenan: Maybe? But probably not. I’m pretty sure he’s Asgardian. Or maybe I just saw The Avengers, and it was really good, and I get confused sometimes. Norse god or not, he’s our Outside Is Overrated Weekly Stud of the Week.
If you have any questions, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please.