Jobs for Figgins

Writing about Chone Figgins’ poor play is old-hat. But I’ve never said, nor written, the phrase old-hat, so I was excited about this opportunity. Figgins is back on the mind of Mariners fans due to the fact that he is still on the team. Which really defies logic.

Now that Miguel Olivo is healthy, it’s time for him to return to the lineup. Yes, another questionable decision, but a discussion for another time. However, recalling Olivo means someone on the major league roster needs to go. Fans were hoping this would be the day the Mariners cut Chone Figgins. But instead, the Mariners sent Casper Wells to Triple-A. In the past two weeks, Wells has appeared in 10 of the Mariners 13 games. Figgins has appeared in two.

If Figgins is not going to play, then why keep him on the roster? Which is really the point of this article. Here are the only reasons I could come up with for why the Mariners would be keeping Figgins on the roster.

1. Confidence builder

The Mariners have a lot of young pitchers in their system. As an introduction to the majors, the Mariners can have these youngsters pitch a simulated game against Figgins. They’ll strike him out 27 times and it will build their confidence. Which is good for young pitchers. Unfortunately, it still won’t prepare them for the majors.

2. Leadoff hitter

Haha just kidding. That didn’t work.

“I’m not a pure hitter. My style leading off? To make you work. To be a pain in the butt for the opposing pitcher from the first pitch of the game on. I’m not a pure hitter, but I’ll give you hell every at-bat.” – Chone Figgins

3. Finder of things

Due to his short stature, Figgins is probably really good at finding things that are below the eye level of normal baseball players. He could just hang out in the dugout and find things that other players have left under the bench.

4. A distraction

The Mariners could be keeping Figgins around just to distract fans from everything else wrong with the team. For example, Miguel Olivo will probably become the everyday catcher again. With Figgins gone, fans might start to realize that there is a lot wrong with this team.

5. King Felix’s transportation

Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. With Figgins’ well-known resemblance to a donkey, I can think of no better way for Felix to take the mound each inning.


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