Like most weeks of the season, this last week in baseball was a strange one. This is a good thing, because it gives us something to write about. For instance, the Mariners beat the Rangers 21-8. You read that right, one of the worst offenses in baseball put up a football score on possibly the best team in the game. If you can figure out how that happened, then maybe you can explain how Fernando Rodney is good this year, or why Joel is convinced Justin Smoak is worth rostering. Keep reading for more bizarre baseball shenanigans. And as always, these are real questions from fake readers.
Q: Did you have a favorite defensive play this week?
Joel: Why yes I did. It was Michael Saunders attempting to catch a baseball with his face.
Keeanan: Something clever involving the word faceball, because it rhymes with baseball…meh, forget it. Next question.
Q: You haven’t written about the MLB.com game recap headlines lately, any good puns?
Joel: Always, here are my three favorites:
First of all, shutting down the Astros’ offense isn’t anything to get excited about. Second, their pun doesn’t make any sense. I’m no plumber, but how does a leak clog something.
Did they really reference Peerless Price, the former Buffalo Bills wide receiver?
I don’t even…
Q: Does Jonathan Lucroy win the award for strangest injury of the year?
Joel: It’s still early, but he’s clearly the favorite. If you didn’t hear, Lucroy’s wife dropped a suitcase on his hand and broke it. Clearly, it contained something very heavy. Which leads us to an obvious question. What was in that suitcase? While you might just assume it was full of beer because Lucroy plays for the Brewers, I think we need to dig a little deeper for the answer. The Brewers haven’t been very good this year and are struggling a bit on offense. My guess is that Lucroy, with the help of his wife, drugged and kidnapped Prince Fielder and stuffed him into a very, very large suitcase to transport him back to Milwaukee to help the team. Lucroy’s wife tried to lift the suitcase but wasn’t prepared for the nearly 300 pounds of Prince Fielder and dropped it. Lucroy tried to grab it, but couldn’t hold the weight and it broke his hand.
Keenan: I have a theory as well, and it involves math, so if you don’t like reading that kind of stuff, skip to the next paragraph. I don’t know how big Lucroy’s suitcase was, but after exhaustive research (I Googled “large suitcase”) a reasonably large suitcase could be approximately 29” x 18” x 12”. Some quick calculations tell us that’s a volume of about 3.625 cubic feet. You can fit 7.48 gallons of water into one cubic foot, which means Lucroy’s suitcase could potentially have held 27ish gallons. Now, say that instead of water, we were talking about clean urine for Ryan Braun. Urine weighs between 8.362 and 8.579 pounds per gallon, which means the suitcase might have weighed 226.7 to 236.5 lbs. Not quite Prince Fielder heavy, but definitely enough to break a man’s hand.
TLDR – Thank you, Jonathan Lucroy. Your giant suitcase full of piss is really helping my fantasy team.
Q: How is it that Justin Verlander can struggle in two straight starts, but Johan Santana can throw consecutive shutouts, one of them a no-hitter*?
Keenan: Baseball players serve crueler gods than you and I. However, seeing as it was the first no-hitter* in Mets history, Johan Santana* is our Outside is Overrated weekly stud of the week*.
Joel: I know we’ve given the award to Santana, I want to nominate Justin Smoak as honorable mention because he’s started hitting well and I’ve fallen for him again. I know what you’re thinking and I don’t care. I love him.
That’s it for this week. Remember to email us your questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.