We had a tough decision to make about this week’s mailbag. We knew we wanted it to revolve around this, but what direction should we take? Originally, I wanted to write a bunch of questions that a bro might ask a clown. But writing from the perspective of a bro proved too difficult for me, no matter how hard I popped my collar, and the only questions I could think to ask a clown were “are you going to molest me?” and “will you please not molest me?” Neither of those are remotely appropriate for a sports blog. Instead, we decided to field questions from actual (fake) baseball loving clowns. Who are also terrifying, because screw clowns. Bro.
Q: We all know that the umpires clowned the Mets, right? – Krusty
Joel: Look, when Johan Santana threw the first no-hitter in Mets history, we didn’t give him credit. Because he didn’t actually throw a no-hitter. To be fair, I would like to congratulate R.A. Dickey for throwing the first no-hitter in Mets history. It’s quite the accomplishment and something he should be proud of. It’s a story he can tell his grandchildren… actually, his grandchildren were probably watching. Because R.A. Dickey is old.
Q: Did you ever track down that funny guy writing those ridiculous puns for MLB.com? – Pickles
Joel: No. But he or she is still at it and making this world a better place. Here are the best from this week:
3. Cards two bats better than Dunn
2. Lump of Cole good for a win
1. Snap it to the Twins, Jim: Blast backs Blanton
Seriously, there is always a clear winner each week and nothing beats “Snap it to the Twins, Jim.” What does that even mean?!?
Keenan: I was going to do a photoshop for number 1, but I’m lazy and searching through pictures of Randy Savage made me sad. RIP Macho Man.
Q: Which team clowned around the most this week? – Bozo
Joel: Initially, I would have said the Braves. But I can’t confirm this as I never actually watched a Braves game because who would really want to do that anyway? The #Barves fans can’t even get their hashtags right.* But no, the Rockies clowned around more than any other team when Miguel Cabrera rounded the bases on a ball he didn’t even hit out of the infield. You’d expect this from Billy Hamilton, but not Miggy.
*Apparently, I managed to offend our one reader last week because I said something bad about the Braves and he is a Braves fan. I felt I was left with two choices. I could apologize, or continue picking on the Barves for no reason. And, well…
Keenan: I don’t have an answer to the question, but I feel like I should stand up for the Braves. I think they’re doing a stand-up job of increasing racial tolerance by bringing attention to the plight of the Native American. Also, Chipper Jones’ very public battle with herpes was inspiring. After an hour of searching, this is the best pic I could find. Although, I did run across “Did Chipper Jones Text Dong Shots to Kelly Kapowski?” as a Google search result…
Q: Do you know what it’s like to have a no-hitter from Santana, a one-hitter from Dickey and a perfect game from Matt Cain in the past month on your fantasy team? It’s pretty awesome. – Matt L.
Joel: Shut up, Matt. No one wants to hear about your fantasy team. And until your stupid question, Matt Cain was going to be our Weekly Outside is Overrated Stud of the Week. But since you had to get all cocky and since this is a clown themed mailbag, I’m giving it to Aubrey Huff for spraining his knee while jumping out of the dugout to celebrate Matt Cain’s perfect game. So there.
Keenan: Matt, do you know what it’s like to be in first place in our fantasy league? No? Weird.
Remember, we’d love to answer real questions if you would actually send them to firstname.lastname@example.org.