I almost didn’t get to be a part of this week’s mailbag, due to suspension and Joel being a jerk. See, even though I don’t get paid to do this and writing goes against my whole philosophy of “if something is hard to do, it isn’t worth doing”, week after week Joel expects results and a certain level of professionalism on my part. Week after week I let him down, but apparently a dress-code violation was just too much. Rather than wearing my company mandated writing tuxedo, I chose to wear a pair of sweats and a TMNT t-shirt. Oops. Luckily for you, the reader, Joel just gave me a stern talking to this time, with a warning that if it happens again I’ll be forced to write a piece about how his fantasy team is so much better than mine. Won’t happen again, boss, I swear. Anyway, as always, these are real questions from fake readers.
Q: What is it like to be a bench player on a team that has one of the worst records in baseball about halfway through the season? – Andruw J.
Joel: I don’t know why you are asking us this. Unless there is something I don’t know about Keenan, neither of us played baseball professionally. But I would imagine that being on the bench on a terrible team would be pretty depressing. Unless you are Munenori Kawasaki and can dance your pain away.
Keenan: My experience with actually playing organized sports has been limited to 3rd string middle linebacker in Jr. High football and batting 8th (it was the 2nd clean-up spot in the batting order according to my coach) on my little league team. But both of those teams were championship caliber, so I guess I can’t sympathize. My advice to Andruw J. is this – collect your paycheck and shut up.
Q: I am outrage! We need to replace the umpires with video replay! Right? – Every Cleveland fan
Joel: Hello outrage. That’s hardly a question and I’m assuming you’re referring to the Dewayne Wise magic trick? Naturally, that play sparked the weekly debate about instituting replay for all the plays. I don’t agree. We should be applauding Wise. He sold the catch and showed so much confidence that the umpire didn’t even check his glove for the ball. It clearly was not the right call, but it’s one game out of 162. I find it hilarious that Wise fooled the umpire. Why can’t we just ridicule the umpire for completely failing at his job?
Keenan: I disagree. Bring on the replay. Every close play at the plate, every “did he or didn’t he” catch, every “wtf” ball/strike call, replay them all. So what if it makes the game longer…people watching at home probably only have the game on in the background anyway, and the people at the stadium are only there as an excuse to get drunk. I guess my point is: baseball is boring to watch anyway, it might as well be boring AND properly officiated.
Q: What are your thoughts on Martin Perez’s call up for the Rangers? – Nolan R.
Joel: Perez was once a top prospect with a high ceiling. Then he reached Triple-A and didn’t do much. The Rangers called him up anyway and he made his debut against the Tigers and promptly got run over by Prince Fielder. Baseball, more exciting than football!
Keenan: If being semi-sexually-assaulted by Prince Fielder is some sort of initiation into the big leagues, then I suppose I should thank my little league coach for that whole 2nd clean-up spot thing.
Q: Wait, so are those headlines you post each week real? – Michael G.
Joel: Yes sir! And we’ve got some good ones this week. A bit dirty actually…
Keenan: I know you were all hoping for more awesome Photoshops this week, but stop being greedy. Also, do you really want to see a poorly manipulated picture of Matt Latos with vicious diarrhea, or Wells getting drilled? Ew.
Q: Did you see that Mike Trout catch? – Jered W.
Joel: Yes, and good timing. Keenan is letting me select the weekly Outside is Overrated Stud of the Week for this week. Week. Since my man-crush on Mike Trout can be classified as raging, he’s my selection. Trout Trout Trout Trout. Trout Trout.